First of all I need to give a big thank you to all my blog friends (some of whom are “friends in real life”) for your support, encouragement and prayers.
So here is the scoop: I am human and I have struggles. period.
Okay, so really (it is very difficult for me to be vulnerable), my world was crumbling around me and I was using blogging as a means of escape instead of dealing with the issues.
As a lot of you know, my husband went back to school a little over two years ago to finish his degree. While going to school full time he was also working full time and so during that time, I went into “survival” mode. Basically it was the boys and I together all the time with a little bit of daddy thrown in when he was available. It was hard, but I knew that it was only a temporary situation and I can do anything for a short period of time. So the boys and I survived, actually, we more than survived, we thrived. Well, Dave graduated from college (with a business degree and a marketing minor!) back in mid December and was available to us again as a husband and dad on a full scale level. Just one problem…………I didn’t let him back in. Now see, he was never really “gone” from our house, he was just unavailable except when he was a little available during school breaks. Does that make sense? So the boys and I went on with our life, we got in a groove, mad our own routines and took care of each other. When graduation day came and Dave was able to “rejoin” our daily life, I was mad and resentful. Who did he think he was that he could just jump right back in, shake up our routine that I had worked so hard at, and be part of our life again. I have struggled with abandonement issues since I was a teenager, and this brought those feelings back to the surface. This transition brought alot of fights and turmoil to our house that, along with the stress of Dave looking for a new job to go along with his new degree, turned our home into a pressure cooker. Instead of dealing with these issues, I shut down. I would plop myself in front of the computer for hours some evenings and completely ignore my other responsibilities…namely my husband and children. Not to mention my relationship with the Lord was also lacking big time.
Which brings me back to those abandonment issues. Even though I have known Jesus since I was a young child, I struggle with accepting the fact that my Heavenly Father will NEVER abandon me. Not only will he never abandon me, but he desires that I seek him for help and strength in the day to day things and somewhere along the way I forgot to do that. Thus the feelings of emptiness and exhaustion.
There have been some recent events that have brought about rest and restoration for me and my marriage. Dave and I have been meeting with our pastor and his wife (who have been dear friends since before we were married) for counseling. Another event that has brought some restoration to me was just a couple of weeks ago when Karla Dornacher (who is a WONDERFUL women’s speaker, an author, an illustrator and an amazing lady of God) gave the Sunday message at church. Her message was title “Free to run…….free to win” (listen here) and was about how we are to run the race that is set before us, but we don’t have to run it alone. God wants to run with us. This was one of the timeliest messages that I have been witness too, and quite honestly by the end of the service I felt like it was just me and Karla having coffee together. God was speaking directly to me through Karla (forget the other 300 people in the room that day). He was telling me that even though I run a good race, I have been doing it all on my own. I forgot to take him with me. Oh, I let him pay my entrance fee into the race along time ago, but then I left him somwhere along the path. Let’s just say that by the end of that message I was broken. I knew then that healing would only come by opening up my heart and allowing God back in to “run the race” with me.
Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Those words are from Jesus himself. He told me to let him carry my burdens and I didn’t.
But now I will!!